September 3, 2011
I’m Doing Medical Experiments

imageHaving a glass of wine on a weeknight can be dangerous for your health. Seriously, last week I signed up for medical experiments whilst tipsy. The woman from the company called me and explained the new vaccine they’re trailing for Ross River Virus.

“It affects people’s joints. It’s very painful and gives them early onset MS. As a candidate you risk possible death.”

I waited for her to finish before I said no, but she said: “You’ll be reimbursed $400 for your…”
“Done.” So I made my way to the hospital that Tuesday. I had a check-up with a doctor who prodded me then made me watch her wiggling finger. I giggled uncontrollably. “I’m sorry it’s just so weird,” I said, and then she gave me a weird look. I’m not the one wiggling fingers at strangers. 


Then I waited for a guy who had a good looking face but was a bit chub. He asked what I do and I said “I’m a professional writing student”. He seemed confused or impressed.

“I usually know people a little more intimately before they know my weight.” I said on the scales. I think he liked me because he asked what kind of contraception I use.

“Nothing” I said.

“Oh, are you planning to get pregnant?”



Then he crossed a box? Probably a reminder to himself to get my number. He then asked me to pee in a cup. If that’s not a pick up line, I just don’t know what is anymore. He said, “Could you do that now?” I said, “I’ll give it a shot.” I walked back in with the urine sample and he had a rubber glove on and I thought “that’s quite assumptive” but it turns out it was just so he didn’t have to touch the splash back.

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